Twenty years ago I flew quite a bit. Unfortunately I convinced my family and myself that locations within driving distance were the best vacation spots for us. I realized I needed to do something about this when my fears started extending to driving over bridges. My fears were controlling me. It was so bad that I wouldn't even enter contests that included free airfare...I told you crazy. Who doesn't like something free? Me, I guess.
I've always wanted to visit California and had this whole plan to drive across the country this past summer. I had it all planned out. The kids and I were so excited because I convinced them that, it's not about the destination; it's about the journey. My husband, being older and wiser, was not so convinced. He agreed to the trip but really did not want to spend that much time in the car. Our three kids can barely get along through an entire meal. I'm sure the idea of hours and hours confined in a vehicle with limited space, snacks and technology conjured up all kinds of horrifying images for him. He lucked out; his oldest brother, the one everyone thought would never settle down, announced he was getting married in Chicago in October.
Of course I instantly began rationalizing how I was going to get out of going because it required flying. We have a dog...who would stay with her? A family of five traveling for a long weekend...we don't have the money for that. We both work for the same small private school...could they really do without both of us at the same time? The list went on and on. The scariest thing for me while I was making all the excuses was that I knew I wasn't getting out of this one. I was going to have to fly. It's family after all and there was no way I could not be there.
I had anxiety just thinking about the flight. I tried to imagine myself walking onto the plane but as soon as I imagined the inside, I got a sick stomach. The annoying thing about fear is that it's irrational, so it makes no sense and that people always have dumb ideas to help you get over your fears. They mean well but hello, it's irrational, so your great advice is not going to work. I really struggled but finally in August I took step one and bought the plane tickets.
Then in September I took another bold step for this control freak...I surrendered a little bit of my pride and control and asked the doctor for Xanax. My husband was not happy, to say the least. He thought I should be stronger. We had some heated discussions in which I hope I finally made him realize that I was strong and that asking for help was a sign of strength. Little did I know my strength would be tested even more.
A few days before we were scheduled to leave we found out that we were in the projected path of Hurricane Matthew and it was going to hit right after we left. Ok, for those of you skimming this blog...I'm a control freak looking for excuses to get out of flying. This was like offering a recovering alcoholic a drink. It also made my anxiety a lot worse because now I wasn't just worried about flying, I was worried about my house, my dog, the weather conditions when we left and if the weather would hold up for us to return. I used all my normal coping mechanisms. I joked and used sarcasm with coworkers telling them I was probably going to die. I whined, pleaded and then tried to rationally tell my husband that one of us needed to protect our home and since it was his brother's wedding the logical choice was me. I tired everything until two nights before the flight I realized this was really happening. I was going to Chicago.
I called my best friend and just started sobbing. I felt so out of control. I had tried so hard to manipulate every situation to not go and none of it worked. I was holding onto to my fear so tightly but had never wanted to let it go as badly as I did in that moment. I was a wreck. I didn't want to transfer my fears to my children, was actually anticipating seeing a state I've never been to during autumn and wanted to be there for my husband but couldn't see past my fears. To say I was a mess would be putting it lightly. My friend calmed me down, listened and validated my feelings like good girlfriends do. She also suggested that I put essential oil, the serenity blend, on my wrists in addition to the Xanax.
So the big day came. I was nervous but timed my Xanax at the airport, avoided caffeine (I read that it exaggerates emotions like fear), not only put the oil on my wrists but kept it in my purse and read Psalm 27:1 a million times. So when I boarded the plane, I was anxious but very relaxed...thank you, Xanax. As we took off I felt queasy but pulled out my essential oil and sniffed that bottle like crazy while squeezing my daughter's hand and shaking my legs like crazy. Thank God, the man next to my daughter was sleeping. I peaked out the window as we were ascending up into the sky. I know people say don't look, but I'm a control freak remember? I saw the most beautiful sunset, which has always been one of my favorite reminders of how much God loves us and gives us peace and assurance in the craziness around us.
So I did it! I loved the in flight wifi that allowed me to see where we were and even the altitude; it was a control freak's dream come true. And when my brother-in-law got all choked up during his rehearsal dinner because he was so happy his entire family came to support him I wanted to go in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. I couldn't believe that I had almost allowed my fear to cause me to miss out and that my family almost missed out on being complete.
I'm not saying I would fly again tomorrow...baby steps. However, I did learn a big lesson about asking for help and using the resources and people closest to you to overcome fear. Hopefully I can work up the courage to make it to the West Coast some day soon.
I encourage those of you who are afraid of something and are missing out, don't wait another day. Don't let fear control and isolate you. Show strength by asking for help and facing your fear; you will be glad you did.
